wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
