Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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