I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
