I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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