Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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