Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
