If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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