Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
