I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
