Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Someone came in the potted fern
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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