woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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