I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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