My underwear smells like fireworks.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
