when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
someone get that fucking seahorse.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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