I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
