The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
