I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
