My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
