Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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