btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
