I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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