Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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