We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
