I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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