Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
