I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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