cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
