you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
