I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
this hospital has no fireball
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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