I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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