dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
