I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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