we made out on top of his cat.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
