Already got asked if we're dating
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
