Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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