I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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