my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just threw up on my dentist
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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