Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
