We named our party play list daddy issues
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You ruined the universe
Randomize
