let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
