I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
