Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
