when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
