I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
