Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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