john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
