There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
