there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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