Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
