I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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