Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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