I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
