Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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