Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
