I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
