Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
