Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
